We characterize the anatomy and function of never before studied total artificial hearts (TAHs) using established methods for testing mechanical circulatory support (MCS) devices. A historical review of TAHs is also presented to aid in benchmarking performance metrics. Six TAHs, ranging from spooky Halloween beating hearts to a cute colorful plush heart, were imaged, instrumented (mock flow loops) to measure their pressure, volume, and flow, and qualitatively evaluated by 3rd party cardiac surgeons for anatomical accuracy and surgical considerations. Imaging of Claw, Beating, and Frankenstein TAHs revealed internal motors, circuit boards, and speakers. Gummy TAH was ranked favorite TAH for tactile realism, while Frankenstein TAH had the most favorable audible/visual indicators, including an illuminated Jacob’s Ladder. Beating TAH demonstrated superior pulsatile hemodynamic performance compared to Claw TAH (16mL vs 1.3mL stroke volume). Light Up TAH and Gummy TAH functioned only as passive compliance chambers. Cute TAH rapidly exsanguinated due to its porosity (-3.0 L/min flow). These TAHs demonstrated a wide range of anatomical accuracy, surgeon appeal, unique features, and hemodynamic performance. While Claw TAH and Beating TAH successfully generated a modicum of pulsatility, we recommend the clinical community continue to support pre-clinical development of emerging or use of clinically-approved TAHs.